I have been studying the human being my entire life, at first, for my own very survival. “I have studied the Human, in order that I might be one”, I heard myself say to a guy in Barcelona, who smiled.
The bookshelf in the family home in Hampshire, England, had the selection of authoritative nonfiction books of the time, such as ‘The Last Two Million Years” and other biology and medical dictionaries that I was reading before I started school. To understand, and make sense of the cruel nonsense around me, was my motivation, and to answer the eternal “Why was I born?” and “How can there be a God?” questions.
I was not permitted to speak as “children are to be seen and not heard” so I was not given chance to develop normal speech, but then ordered to speak on command and made to alter my voice to one that was approved of. This was so traumatic for me that I blocked it out, for years, only to be released when another significant trauma allowed it forth. It explained my vocal difficulties all throughout my life, which has given me tremendous insight of what language is, it’s very point and purpose, and it’s role in determining us.
Allowed to read and watch TV, I became an expert observer, as the difference I noticed in a facial expression change, could make the difference between life and death for me. Considered too ugly and an evolutionary backward step – as I did not look Caucasian enough – with eyes “too chinesey” and a face and body “too negro”, she instructed my brother to kill me and I survived one attempt after another, and was constantly nursing injuries.
There was a seemingly endless list of ridiculous sayings that were followed to the letter, that I was governed by, such as not being “worth the clothes on my back” and “at the bottom of the pecking order.” I existed in an illusion of a ‘good home’, as my mother – who I knew as ‘monster’ cared enormously, and only, of how others viewed her.
What was really going on, did not matter at all, if nobody knew, she thought. I learnt of why and how, and the consequences of this, to a life path. I was told lies by her, with the insistence that it was true, which was just not a situation that was tolerable. It confused me and made no sense, so I learnt easily that truth, or “adherence to what is” as I define it, was vital to me and my development. She told me outright one time, in an attempt to sway me to her thinking, that “It didn’t matter what is, only what people believe, is” She turned to me once after an event trying “THAT, didn’t happen. ” I knew to distance myself from her even further…
My father left me in very early years, in a place I only knew as ‘the crying room’ of a British childcare facility. Up until that point, he had been my primary care giver, and I was attempting to form speech from his Hungarian singing. He was instructed to stop singing to me – I can still recall this clearly – and he moved to Australia to live with my mother’s Aunt on her orchard in Batlow, In Australia, he could earn a higher wage than in England, and while he paid the mortgage, my mother ‘looked after’ the children.
It was a situation where how I held a knife and fork, was more important than the role of food intake. No free self-expression was allowed me at all, but to ‘follow orders’. As to an activity undertaken, as to the position I held my body in, to even what expression I was allowed to be holding on my face.
I was forced to sit for long periods of time, on a hard chair, staring into a mirror, until I could hold an approved fake smile, and hold my face, in an unnatural position, that she found the most ‘tolerable’. So tormented was I from this, that I became very interested in the man known as “elephant man’ and I adopted his technique of covering his face with a cloth, to avoid torment. The relief was short-lived in my case, with a mean toned “what face are you making under that, take it off!”
It was about ‘making a face’ instead of ‘being a face’. Is not our face to show our true expression? It was all so obviously wrong to me. There was no idea of what was important, critical, sensible, necessary, unnecessary, ridiculous, trivial or nonsense, to life, at all. And all of it done with a chronic superiority complex, and with a “you don’t know how lucky you are…” I ran away at five yrs old but returned myself and unpacked my little case, as there was nowhere else to go.
Only a while after I had started school did the attempts on my life fade out, as her plan changed. My doing well at school, so she would look an even better mother, became the new one, so I would “earn my keep”.
I wanted to find out WHAT ON EARTH WAS GOING ON. That my mother, or be it any human being, could have become like this, when I was surrounded by a natural world that had animals still exhibiting care and following a natural sense and order.
There was no illness to describe her’s in the Medical book. She was only doing everything that she thought she should be doing. And, everything that she thought she could get away with doing, to have the best life that she could have for herself. I could see easily that she was a product of her teachings, of her time, and of her parents teachings. I would intuitively know that insults she screamed at me, were ones given her as a child, as she did, obediently to the letter, ‘what she was told’ and ‘told of’.
So, I became an acute reader of the faces of my family, the eyes, tone of voice, of frequency, all behaviors, and of feelings, in my need to determine truth and safety for me. My brother had time alone with her, and I would know another idea was coming, and when she had planned his next action. I grew able to easily determine a lying face from a truthful one.
My desperate seeking of this clarity, enabled me to learn of the real needs of the Human Being to sustain us in health, of the illusions that have caused these to have become forgotten, and the whys, the causes, and of the consequences of this. In other words, what had happened historically, and why my family was the way it was.
I learned also, that the place I went to as a child to get away, is the place that people meditate for years to get to. It is well worth it, as it gives you other information that can only be reached from experience of this. It enables you to receive the rewards of heightened senses, giving an improvement all round in receptivity to life.
I learned that I read at 450words/min when I was 12, but that was the limit of the test, that was given only to pass time when it was raining one day at a`primary school in Australia. I started school in England, where my knowledge of the work as the smartest child in the class only determined where I sat in the classroom, at the speedboat or rowboat table.;)
I learned that I can pick up languages faster than most, assisting my studies with my cross cultural ability, from the Hungarian/bilingual beginning I had as a baby. Hungarian is not like any other language with its full range of sounds, helped also by my sound sensitivity, and my pitch ability as a singer and natural musician. Though I do not consider myself fluent in any language, save that the languages of love, music and dance, I can speak, or ‘pull’ from over twenty of them. This has allowed me insight into other language groups of human studies, providing me with a broad base of how we differ as ‘breeds’.
I am a ‘sound healer’ also, since my life journey passed through into the meta-physical, and I learnt of how I was helped through so much, by the intuitive sounding I had done since in a cot, until forbidden to do that with a “Stop making that noise child.” It helps me to realize the point of voice, of languages at their core vibration, and what this means to us. I learned that I also had other intuitive healing abilities that had enabled me to effectively counteract/reverse/heal, a large number of the misguided ‘non-teachings’ I was ‘taught’.;)
Being an Empath is something I relate to being, and my sensitivities to energy, my being able to read and feel another’s energy, together with all I have studied and experienced, allows me to know what is missing in the education system and general knowledge.
A life that begins with orders to ‘consider yourself last, if at all”, required me to reach a stage of choice, and do a complete turn around, to not attract further events of suffering to me aka The Law of Attraction. I have been through, & healed through, much. Attracting another, but very severe car accident, saw me need to heal myself from extensive, severe, multiple injuries and I further learned of what was currently known and unknown of the human being, and more of myself. This accident took me from University, but I had found tertiary education too limiting of my interests, so I designed my own studies, from my bed, which I included with my full-time physical rehabilitation.
My studies and reading I grouped into three sections; ‘What we know we are”, “Why things are the way they are”, and “What we really are”, to give structure to my task. I take occasion to define words carefully.
I find many could now benefit from what I know, as it seems that Humanity itself is going through the very thing I had to figure out and sort out, as a young child, only on a much bigger scale!!;)
I continue this study throughout my life, which takes me far and wide, as committed journeys do. As I am what assesses what I see, as it passes through the files behind my eyes, I find my perspective comes easily. And, I also absolutely know, that difficult and impossible are not the same thing at all!
It brings me pleasure to share the tales, adventures and discoveries with you. I would like to prevent anyone from needing to experience what I have, but to be able to share in the wisdom of it, so their own lives can be greater and easier.
‘The answer to the meaning of life, the Universe & everything’ is not 42, as the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy told us;), and we simply cannot caretake of ourselves and our planet, or live as intended, if we do not know what we are.
If we want a dog, we can read a book all about the dog, and different breeds of dog. Where’s the book on Being Human? My thought’s exactly;)
Amelia : )